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Story

Letting Go of Perfection
By Vittoria Allen - July 25, 2017

A daughter of an immigrant family from India, Roshni grew up feeling like her works defined who she was. Over the past year, she has learned how to be a disciple that sits at the feet of Jesus. This is her story.

Gal 2:20 Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. My ego is no longer central and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine,"

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I am a daughter of an immigrant family from India that grew up in Canada and eventually came to San Diego. As a child who grew up differently from those around her, I learned to thrive by excelling as a daughter of faith and a student. Family, faith, and education were the most important things, but I felt my family fighting for that number one spot where my faith was.

I was taught if I did not excel, then I hadn’t tried hard enough. And the goals, if they were not my parents' top pick,  had to be rethought. My parents loved me more than I could imagine and they did what they learned from their own environment. Eventually, I noticed that I did the same. I had turned into my parents as a wife and a mother.

So then I became a woman who was trying to do better than my parents did. I felt like I had to do more. I became a Martha.  Obedient, but always “doing”.  The I found myself asking for a divorce and being single after 30 years of marriage and trying to do the right thing. I had more time with God and I realized my need for even more intimacy with Him so I joined the Pastoral Support Team (PST) at Rock Church. Through my time in PST I realized my passion for missions and thought about enrolling at Rock School of Ministry (RSOM).

It called to my spirit through many open houses and people who had gone through it. My decision to join RSOM was intentional and I thought it would be another opportunity to learn more about God and my journey towards more missions, but I realized the moment they discussed a relationship with God in the first class that I truly thought I was already in one. 

It wasn’t until this year of being at the Lord’s feet that I have realized that excelling also leads to pridefulness and sometimes bitterness against others. God has blessed me with a Christian Indian Heritage that I would not trade for the world. But I discovered that being different gave me a strong desire to fit it, do my best, and do more. God was a part of my life, but I never really talked to Him.

I went to church, but I rarely felt it was like family. Like my own family, I wasn’t vulnerable.  I served in church, but out of duty to impress God, others, and myself.

At 10-years-old I said the acceptance prayer in a youth camp for Jesus, but then life, church, and family continued as it used to be. I slowly went on a journey that many of us take where I didn’t need to think about where I was really going. I was on auto pilot. A journey where the road signs and landmarks were familiar, where I didn’t ask advice because I didn’t want to be ignorant. It was a journey where my family was my inner circle, and nobody else was allowed in. A journey where I knew about God and knew He was with me, but not really a part of my life. My journey included an arranged marriage, which brought many challenges as a 19-year-old wife. Emotions were downplayed and I was encouraged to suck it up and move forward.

In RSOM I learned that this journey I had been on needed to turn into a more intentional journey. My works do not save me, but I needed to turn off autopilot and live out what I believed. I am a woman, a daughter, a mother, an occupational therapist, a churchgoer, a ministry leader, a fiancé … but I have learned that first and foremost I am a child of God. It is important to be obedient with what God has given me and where He has positioned me and to be intentional not for myself, but for Him; To not live in the fear of man or past behaviors and thoughts, but to be living for Him and to use it all for His glory.

I learned about fully surrendering my life to the Lordship of Christ, living a life of obedience in the power of the Holy Spirit, and maintaining my first love for Jesus. I learned about the will of God and that I never want to lose the joy of the Lord. I’ve learned the joy the is found in being a servant for Him and not the world and that being obedient to Him is the best position I can be in.

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Roshni now serves as a women's ministry leader at City Heights Campus. 

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