After growing up as one of the Minister’s daughters at Torrey Pines Christian Church in the 90‘s and being taught the foundation of the bible as a child, I had a clear picture of what the storybook Jesus looked like to me. After experiencing the twists and blows through the peaks and valleys of my adolescence, I recommitted my life to a newly experienced Christ again at the Rock Church on February 2, 2010 at the age of 20 years old. Throughout my life and this evolving relationship I had never even attempted to fast, not for this purpose. But I knew this was my year to give it all I had. I was longing and desperate for a deeper connection with the Lord. I knew it was my year to organize, establish my altar for sacrifices, while mentally and spirituallypreparing for the commitment I was about to make. The weeks were approaching and Miles had been reminding us to prepare for the annual 40 days fast coming up on Monday, January 14, 2013. Although my success with the fast only lasted 24 days, the entire 40 days of having a deeper more intimate engagement with God has tested and proven to be a monumental segment in my walk with The Lord. It has been fulfilling to know that I was never left alone.
My plan was to gradually detox and fast something, or a group of foods every ten days. I decided I would give up sugar the first quarter. This alone brought me withdrawals because I have a strong addiction to sweets like cookies, brownies and chocolate. I just love them. The headaches, no, the migraines, lasted about four days, but I continued my constant conversation with the Lord. Many times I would find relief after praying for the pain to cease, and surprisingly, it did. I knew I needed to get all of the refined sugars out of my system, yet still manage concentration and energy, especially at my new job. Over the next quarter, I also decided to give up wheat, bread, cereal, pizza, and all those delicious overloaded carb meals that give us great energy. This left me with fruits, vegetables, juice, protein shakes, and water. With my brand new job starting the same day and a strict workout schedule, I gave myself permission to allow only small amounts of protein. The next ten days, or the 3rd quarter, I planned to consume only juices, smoothies, protein shakes, and water, limiting myself to a complete liquid diet. I only made it through four days of this portion of the fast. I had planned to drink only water for the final ten days.
At one point during the fast, I remember arriving at the gym with every reason in the world for a good workout, but I had absolutely no energy. With the weight of what felt like the world on my shoulders, I sat in my car and prayed for ten minutes before I walked in. That was the first time I learned to depend on and pray to God before, after, and during any workout.
2 Corinthians 12:9
… “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. He helps us essentially prepare for everything. I then hammered out a glorious, emotional and intense hour of incline cardio on the treadmill. I asked the Lord for strength in each step and to empty my mind of all the surrounding negativity. Surely enough he followed through, every minute of that hour.
Amazingly and gracefully, I continued to develop a closeness with the Lord throughout the entire 40 days. God is so amazing. His placement of our feet in situations and the timing of his miracles are things to absolutely desire and depend on. He is so creative and precise with everything he does, when we truly surrender ourselves to his calling. He undoubtedly will, answer and grant us his promised reward. The sacrifice and lesson I learned in all of this was to deny myself. In the story of the next 40 days, I did completely that.
It was the Sunday before the fast, January 13, 2013. The same day I was to start my new job at the Filbeck Medical Consulting Group. I knew it was going to be an important day so me and my boyfriend decided to take our boxer Darla to our Swami beach run in Cardiff. Our favorite 4 mile run along the cliffs of our beautiful North County beaches. Running has always helped us clear our negative channels for a more positive and clearer thought and conversation with God. We would always run here together, something that I knew was going to be essential for this fasting.
We had been apart for a few months. Right when we we arrived at the beach, he dropped a bomb. Something I had no time to prepare for, but luckily had been equipped with the proper tools of action. He began to pour out of his heart about his addictions. His addiction has started with pharmaceutical medications and had grown darker, into smoking Heroine on a regular and constant basis for the past three months. My heart sank, I had previously learned to harness my emotions. I had been in this same position with his first attempt at recovery three years ago. I proceeded to keep my composure and told him we should continue with our run to clear his head and calm our emotions. I was one of those moments where I saw myself buckling my seatbelt while hearing God say, “Hold on”. My only vision was of myself heading straight towards a cliff. I knew God did not want me to run, he did not want me to hide, he wanted me to continue following him. It’s easier to take a step of faith when you trust his path. You will undoubtedly find yourself somewhere disruptive and difficult and these tests will always provide an opportunity for a stronger trust in the Lord. But, at that moment, I had NO IDEA, what I was up against, especially over the next 40 days.
I soon learned that my area off the 56 freeway in Rancho Penasquitos, was announced the current Heroine capital of San Diego. For the last few years I had felt this movement on the rise within our community and when I heard that, I was not surprised. I spent those 40 days with the vision and feeling as if I was standing on top of a mountain, holding a small lit candle. Behind me was a beautiful backlit sunset, but surrounding me below was the valley of the shadow of death. To avoid stagnation, I knew where I needed to go, and to allow that progression to my destination, the valley beneath me was unavoidable. I forced myself down the mountain and into that dark place and continued my journey where God had planted me. Trusting him every step of the way, It was very seldom that I thought about the food.
The timing of the fast and the placement of our lives back together was a blessing from God in itself. It caused me to fall into an eternal dependence. Everyday his amazing word and the Holy Spirit of internal guidance lighting the way. It was like a small lit candle before me. Although I reached emotional peaks, no one was allowed to blow out my candle or disrupt my inner peace. I knew it was my time to slow down, think deeper and communicate stronger with my Source. I was ultimately thankful for the timing and took things day by day. I began everyday with my devotional and morning prayer. I knew this was where God wanted me, with the biggest test I had yet to encounter. I kept my journal of fasting, fed myself the Word, and ended with my nightly prayer, daily, all on the right bedside with Bryan on most days sleeping to my left. Every night he would toss and turn, waking up throughout the night from the constant hot and cold flashes, leaving the comforter completely soaked. He explained the withdrawals as if all of his limbs were being tugged and pulled away from him at once in opposite directions, the worst feeling you could ever imagine. He almost overdosed twice and after witnessing the second time and holding his lifeless body, I did not think he wanted to be here on this Earth any longer. Those nights felt fatal as I fell to the ground with an emotional outbreak of prayer. I still don’t think I ever slept, in fear that he wouldn’t wake up. The devil acts in the most dangerous and deceiving ways but never did I ever quit my communication, my faith or fail to keep an open ear to the Lord’s calling.
I never left Bryan’s side unless I had work, which led me to an angel placed in my life from God, complimenting his entire form of coordination and timing. My new manager Laurie had suffered her husband’s death due to Alcoholism a few years ago. Throughout those 40 days we developed an amazing relationship. She stayed in constant support and communication with me, and she continues to do so even to this day. She would always remind me of my strength and tell me, “You’re a survivor, that’s just what you are”. Laurie was always there to make sure my candle was lit. She brought me to Al-Anon meetings on our lunch break and would hold me accountable for caring for myself and my and sanity. It was a complete blessing to have her on my side throughout all of this and I continue to thank her daily.
For being Bryan’s closest partner, I felt it was my duty to try as hard as I possibly could to reroute his lifestyle back to progression and positivity, without losing my mind in the process. We took our trio of dogs on a walk everyday and occasional hikes at the Torrey Pines State Beach. In hopes of being filled with inspiration, we made a trip to LA to see one of his favorite bassists named Stanley Clark. Being a part of a traveling band, music, aside from the drugs was the primary outlet for Bryan’s “sanity”. Every day seemed like progression and I made sure to stay in constant communication with his family. We always made sure he was surrounded by positivity, love and support. I invited the boys from his band over for a mini intervention but mostly to lift his spirits. I wanted him to know they missed him, because they did. They love him and wanted him to find peace after witnessing all of his struggles. After all, being on the road, making music, and touring for 7 years, was enough for them to become like brothers--creating a family amongst themselves. But still all of this wasn’t enough.
When I speak about addictions, I’m talking about the devil. He had him held under such a stronghold and totally convinced Bryan that he never wanted to leave that dark place ever again. After lies, stealing and bartering, we reached that depth where I knew that the Lord, along with our efforts, were keeping him entirely afloat. The exact reasons he had yet to hit bottom--no one was letting him. So, as technical “enablers”, we all knew he had to hit his bottom to make any type of change at all. What that bottom could have been? At that point, I wasn't sure. As the bassist of Through the Roots, he left his nationally touring band because of his lack of desire. While the lifestyle was the main supporter of his addiction. This served a positive and also much darker purpose, but will one day this will all be a part of his testimony. I had no idea how Bryan felt, I could only listen with love and make every effort to understand. I harnessed my entire bank of emotions and swallowed them for his sake. Everything I had learned dealing with previous addicts and attending therapy and behavioral outpatient rehab myself, were all the tools and mechanisms coming into play during those present times, second only to the hand of the Lord, which was providing an even more powerful direction in my life.
My parents eventually locked me out of my house and denied communication but I was standing tall alongside Bryan and his demons, with the strong spirit of his 30 year old brother. Michael and I felt as if we were fighting on the forefront with the devil himself. As a matter of fact, we were. We were standing in the middle of a battle that we had complete faith that Jesus was about to take over and conquer. The devil presents himself in such mysterious ways, any type of way to distract us from the light. There were mornings and nights where I would massage him head to toe, to relieve his pain while praying on his body that the Lord would rid him from his burdens and demonic addictions. Physical blessings, as I was shown, are extremely powerful ways of healing spiritually. I also learned that my gut, turned into intuition and newly identified as the Holy Spirit, will NEVER lead me astray or into a valley I couldn’t ascend from. I must always remind myself to be silent and present and wait for the Lord’s whisper of direction.
After 5 years of wanting and fighting with Bryan over his need for sobriety, I knew my efforts from this point on were powerless, fruitless and completely ineffective. I knew this day was going to come and I was ready for it. This was the climax where I was to deny myself once and for all and let Jesus take the wheel. After quitting his band, enduring the constant and painful withdrawals, the multiple relapses, intense fights and dramatic episodes, I woke up one morning with the Holy Spirit telling me to finally and peacefully walk away. Behind that soft whisper, I felt satisfied that I had done all I could. With courage, faith and confidence, I packed up my car, and left. At that moment, he did not care. He loved his drugs more than God, and I wasn’t turning back. How could he have any love for me?
The next few days at home, I became extremely sick with the flu. My body was aching and finally reacting to the situation. With all the depleting of calories from ending the detox, my body was finally releasing all of the negative energy stored through my immune system. Those same few days, leading up to the 40th day of fasting, Bryan hit bottom and began shooting up the Heroine. Surely enough by faith the 40th day, he decided to admit himself into detox to start an inpatient rehab program at the hospital. I can thank the Holy Spirit for that. The angels were singing that day, lifting him out of that cave and God was smiling. They have yet to stop.
The day before his sobriety date from detox, before he transferred into the 28 day inpatient program, he left breakfast filled with anxiety and a river flowing with emotions. He was so scared to be completely sober. They were no longer going to provide him with medication to cope with the physical withdrawals. He had reached a point of fear, he knew that he now had the opportunity to check himself out and return back to that dark place. Walking outside to smoke a cigarette for relief, that soft whisper I have come to find comfort in spoke to Bryan for the first time. He said “Surrender everything--get on your knees and worship me”, Bryan immediately dropped his cigarette, fell to his knees and began singing praises to the Lord. He finally heard the calling of what he had closed his heart and mind off to for so long. He immediately called me. In tears, he proclaiming to me “He exists, he exists, he’s real. God spoke to me.”
It takes so much strength to check yourself into confinement and step into the unknown, to wrestle with your complete darkness. I applaud Bryan for his strength to surrender. It takes so much courage to endure all that pain and rise above it. Bryan is now finishing the 4 week inpatient program and working toward recovery with his sponsor day by day. We are all now supporting him fully in faith on his road to recovery. He is able to wake me up every morning with a phone call and occasional surprises throughout the day. We are focusing on his health and relationship with God, which ultimately enabling us to start over in forgiveness with a solid foundation.
I myself have ascending out of the same valley of darkness, with more trust and hope in the Lord and our future than ever before. I have never felt so alive. The timing of the fasting under the Lord’s artistry, along with my amazing support system of friends and mentors has pushed me, molded me, and loved me into a deeper spiritual understanding and a stronger relationship with God. He is my rock of salvation and his love NEVER fails. Instead of saying “Don’t ever leave me God,” I have become a firm believer in never walking out on him again. He has answered all the prayers that have manifested in the depths of my heart. He knows my strength, my intentions and that he is my deepest desire. I feel so blessed with what he has shown me during this period of fasting.
These last 40+ days have only added to my amazing testimony to Christ. A story I want to spread, in hopes of providing guidance to fellow sinners and followers around the world. God is so good and his word truly heals. Psalms 23:4 and Exodus 14:14 will forever be staples to my faith. “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me,” and “The Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still.”
