I was devastated. The doctor had just told us that we had less than 5% of a chance of conceiving children. When he added that the issue was not with my wife’s body, but with mine I found myself unable to speak or respond. It was crushing. We had both come from large loving families, and we expected to get married, have kids, and start our own family adventures. But in an instant, my view of how the world was supposed to be had collapsed on itself. God, why?
I had a hard time functioning in the week that followed. I was in a “zombie-like” state, devoid of energy or joy, trying to make sense of life. The pain was tangible. At the mall shopping for Christmas presents I saw a poster of a young father in jeans, no shirt, holding his baby over his head. I had seen the poster before and always liked it; it was an image of my desired future. But seeing it a few days after being told I didn’t have what it took to be a dad, sent me over the edge. I scurried from the store and found a bench in the middle of the mall where I put my head in my hands and wept, uncontrollably.
Several days later, I sat down and wrote a letter to God. It came from deep within my soul, here is what it said:
God, our Father, we approach you through the blood of Jesus. May you perform in us a miracle. We ask for the privilege from You to become parents, by natural childbearing means, through the union of our marriage. We want the honor to be Mommy and Daddy and we commit ourselves to raising a child in the likeness of you Lord. We ask for this to happen quickly. Regardless, prepare our innermost soul and being for what You have for us. We need Your help. We trust Your wisdom.
When I finished the letter and signed it, something incredible happened.
An unexplainable feeling of peace came over me. I felt as if a huge weight had just been lifted of my back. Shackles had fallen off my feet allowing me to run again. I smiled for the first time in quite a while. Things were going be O.K.
Somehow God enabled me to see that He was good and that I could entrust my life to Him. I could not control whether or not we would get pregnant, but I could trust the person who was in control of all things. He had a plan for me and for my wife, and His plan was a good one. While my circumstance had not changed, pouring out my heart to God changed everything. The pain was gone. Despair was replaced with a feeling of well-being and love.
This all happened 23 years ago. This summer my oldest of four boys – all by natural means – turns 23. I got more than I could have asked or imagined. God is good. He helped me see that prior to children and continues to do so.